Fifty shades of Bey?

Finally, the moment us sad sacks have been waiting for (and no, I’m not talking about Vampire Diaries spoilers coming out of ComicCon, although they’re pretty awesome too). I’m talking about the trailer for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie – and judging by the 11 million views on YouTube, there’s more than a few of us sad sacks out there. So, it’s out and it looks, well, it looks pretty terrible, but it also looks like something I will absolutely be seeing…on opening night…in Gold Class.

After reading all three books (that’s right, I read all of them), I’m not about to suddenly develop taste and standards just as the movie comes out. I’m gonna see this thing through. I have relatively high hopes for the movie, I mean I don’t see how it could be any worse than the books – at least the screen writer is an actual writer who, presumably, knows how to plot scenes and write dialogue, so the movie is already ahead.

I’m the first to admit that I sort of enjoyed the first book, but it was really down hill from there. The second book took me through annoyance, disgust, anger, ire, embarrassment and murderous rage (mostly directed at her fucking inner goddess), while the third one just left me feeling bored: how many times can you read the same sex scene, just transplanted to a different location? The answer is a LOT if you read all three books, but the truth is I started skipping the sex scenes by the middle of the second book, I just really needed to find out how it ended (yet another example of my crippling inability to not finish books).

Anyway, back to the trailer. I thought it was laughable the way they built suspense around showing Christian’s face – they blurred him, showed shots from far away, even chopped his head off in one scene, and when you finally see him, you are met with a soft, puffy, boy next door with floppy hair – WTF?  Christian is supposed to be hard and chiselled and outrageously sexy. Personally, I think Ian Somerhalder would have been perfect – the right amount of chisel and ‘smell the fart’ acting, and there aint no one who smoulders better than Smolderhalder. But Hollywood isn’t returning any of my calls, letters, emails or faxes regarding important casting decisions, so what can you do? I think they got the general feel of the movie right in the trailer – it was creepy and sinister, although at times it felt more slasher flick than cheesy porn, I kept waiting for someone in a hockey mask to come crashing out of stage left and start stabbing everyone (now, there’s an idea for an ending).

Overall, I think this is going to one of those movies that I watch with a constant cringe on my face, and I’m not sure even Queen Bey’s incredible new version of Crazy in Love is going to save it, but just quietly, I’m a little bit excited to find out.

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